Breaking Point

17th day of school... And I've reached my first breaking point of the many to come. I can't even call it stress because it is so much more than that. I've never felt like this in my life. My personality is a laid back type of person. I don't get worked up about many things, especially not school. I take things as they come, and I'm lazy. Right now, my massive to-do list grows more massive each day. Thank God I don't still have a job right now. I'm already juggling volleyball, school clubs, homecoming, PSAT's, graduation project, and my very challenging classes. Speaking of which, I have three hugggeeee tests in starting tomorrow. I say that they are "starting" tomorrow because they are all two-day tests. One entire period of testing is not enough, so my lovely teachers have to extend them twice as long. Love those guys. On top of that, I have some stupid ass fundraising shit to do. TWO different fundraisers. One for volleyball and one for my trip to Europe (I'll explain more on this trip in a later post!). And of course, on top of everything else, there's Rob. Although this is an awesome part of my life right now, it's still stressful. I forgot how tiring having a (sort of) boyfriend is. He asks me to hang out and it's like I won't let myself say no. I don't want to say no. I just want to spend time with him and skip every school related responsibility. My priorities have always been off. All I have to say for it is, Fun and I are too close of friends.

The worst part is instead of trying harder to get everything sorted out, I give up. When things get tough, I do nothing instead of everything. Instead of studying forever because I know a test will be hard, I don't study at all because I tell myself I'm going to fail it anyways. Tonight I've given up on studying and I've given up on grad project work. I really really wish I could change that about myself. I need to teach myself to be optimistic. If that's even possible. The glass is always half empty for me and I'm sick of it. It's the thing that scares me the most about myself. Am I just going to wake up one day and realize there's no point in trying at life, too? Most of the time I think of myself as a fairly sane person, but when this question creeps into my head                  I feel anything but. Then another thought finds its way into my brain. Death. Is death more peaceful than life? Less stressful? More rewarding? I want to know. Please don't get me wrong though. I am NOT suicidal in any way. AT ALL. I would never take my own life. However if I were to die this moment, by accident, would I be just as happy, if not happier? I'm a Catholic. My vision of heaven is one thing... peace. No floating over the world, watching. No reincarnation. Nothing crazy like that. I think of heaven not as a place, but a feeling. Complete and total stress-free peace. I don't want to die, but when my time comes, I'll welcome it.

Wow. I cannot believe what this post has done for me. I've gone from raging stressed out maniac, to peaceful thinker in a matter of fifteen minutes. I love you, inventor of blogging.

So although I just ranted about how I shouldn't give up, I do need some sleep. Tomorrow will be a new day. A fresh start is the best kind. Goodnight.